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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27758614">slowly, and then all at once</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf'>ralf</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>pillow talk [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Feelings, Fluff, Love, M/M, Magnus Bane's Cat Eyes, a bit of angst, magnus is so dramatic, sorry!!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:41:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>881</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27758614</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“When did you know that you love me?”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>pillow talk [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1161872</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>198</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Favorite Malec Stories</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>slowly, and then all at once</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title is from John Green's <em>Fault in our Stars</em>: “As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”</p><p>2020!ralf poking through the fragments of this fic left to her by 2019!ralf: hahaha omg this is so trashy and ridiculous LOL what drugs were you on, past self???</p><p>Anyway! I hope you'll enjoy this fic! It is my 100th Shadowhunters fic (which, wtf, I still can't believe it!!) and while I don't think I'll quite manage another hundred, let's see if I can make it another fifty, hm? XD In any case, thank you for all the kudos and comments and lovely interactions in the past three years, fandom, it has been a pleasure with you all &lt;3&lt;3&lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I was wondering...”</p><p>Alec trails off as his fingertips trace idly along Magnus's side, following aimless paths. His lashes tickle Magnus's neck with every blink, his breath washes warm over Magnus's collar bone.</p><p>Magnus rests his cheek against Alec's hair. “Hm?”</p><p>“When I first told you I loved you,” Alec continues slowly, his voice languid with the memory and remnants of sleep. “You didn't hesitate to say it back.”</p><p>Magnus hums.</p><p>“You knew,” Alec concludes. “Even before I said it you knew that you loved me.”</p><p>“I did,” Magnus agrees.</p><p>“So I was wondering,” Alec says, his finger outlining Magnus's ribs. <span>“When </span><em><span>did</span></em><span> you know that you love me?”</span></p><p>The question lodges itself somewhere near his heart. For Magnus, falling in love has always been something of a gradual slide, a slow build that often caught him unaware when he eventually realized the extent of his feelings. But not this time. Falling in love with Alec was different. It was a stark, sharp thing, like a tidal wave. Meeting Alec was almost jarring, the way it startled Magnus from his decade-long apathy, a world of gray suddenly bursting back into color. Magnus stumbled along, barely regaining his footing in the midst of everything that happened after, the constant threats on their lives, the danger, the fighting. The wedding. It was all so much, in so little time. And when he finally couldn't deny that what he felt for Alec wasn't just attraction and fascination and an inexplicable yearning but <em>love</em>, it had been no less visceral.</p><p>“I knew it when you died,” Magnus replies. Technically Alec hadn't died, had just come incredibly close, but Magnus remembers those moments in his loft, after guarding Alec's unconscious body for hours and hours, after pouring all of his magic into him to no avail, after finding Jace and feeling hope again that he would bring Alec back, only for Alec to draw one last breath and go still. He'll never forget the sound Jace made then, his tears as he cradled Alec's lifeless body, and the shape of his own heart breaking as he realized that Alec was gone. That they had been too late. That there was no saving Alec after all.</p><p>“I thought I had lost you,” he whispered. “That tends to put things into perspective.”</p><p>Alec laces their fingers together. “I'm sorry,” he whispers back.</p><p>Instinctually Magnus wants to say that it wasn't his fault and he shouldn't be sorry but then he remembers that's actually not true. He squeezes Alec's hand. “Tracking Jace through your rune when your bond was so strained was reckless.”</p><p>Alec squeezes back. “I know. And I wish I could promise you that I'll never do anything reckless like that again but...”</p><p>But Alec will always take immense personal risks to protect those he loves. It's who he is.</p><p>“I know,” Magnus echoes him, turning his face more into Alec's hair. “All I ask is that you tell me so I can help you.”</p><p>“I can promise you that,” Alec vows, and Magnus presses a kiss into his bed head.</p><p>He breathes Alec in for a few heartbeats, savoring their shared warmth before he asks, “And you?”</p><p>Alec's exhale tingles across his skin. Magnus can sense his smile. “It was during our first time together, actually.”</p><p>Magnus blinks. “Oh.”</p><p>It's not like he's unaware of his noticeable skill in certain areas but to hear it like that is... it's not what he expected from Alec, is all.</p><p>“I was nervous,” Alec says. “Eager, but nervous. Then your glamor dropped and you pushed me away and I thought I'd done something wrong. But then you looked at me and...” He pauses, searching for words. “I felt how much it meant, for you to allow me to see. How vulnerable it made you feel. How much you trust me. I wasn't nervous anymore then. I felt.. touched. Honored. I felt so close to you, and I knew that I never wanted anyone else to look at me like that. I never wanted to share this kind of intimacy with anyone else. I never wanted to be with anyone who's not you.” Alec squeezes Magnus's hand again. “Before that I already knew that I admired you and liked you and desired you. But in that moment I knew that I loved you, too.”</p><p>Magnus's heart melts. He tightens his arm around Alec but they're already pressed as close together as can be. It's still not enough so he untangles their fingers and tips Alec's chin up until he can capture his mouth in a deep kiss.</p><p>It's broken only when Alec's smile grows too wide against his lips. Their noses bump, sharing breath, and Magnus can't remember ever feeling more tender.</p><p>“If you knew before I did,” Alec murmurs into the scant space between them, “why didn't you say something sooner?”</p><p>“I was afraid,” Magnus answers, because it's the truth and because he isn't anymore. “I didn't want to scare you off. And I didn't want to... to be the only one with these feelings.”</p><p>It's Alec who catches him in a lengthy kiss this time. “You could never, and you are not,” he promises. “I love you, Magnus. Now and forever.”</p><p>Magnus believes him with his whole heart.</p><p> </p>
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